Supplement to YouTube Episode 1 -Sailing to Baja, Mexico - Finally!

Sailing to Santispac

So much of our journey is hard to put into a short video. 

As much as we enjoy sharing our sailing adventures via YouTube, there is a lot missing from these tales! 

Our adventures are also an internal process of discovery. Owning a boat, sailing, living a nomadic/cruiser lifestyle is an avenue for me to explore who I am. The totality of being human in all its messiness, glory and tedium. 

There is so much I want to share about the journey beyond the surface events of 'what happened' when we go for a sail. The sailing life is the structure that I can move within to know myself. 

My thoughts, my triumphs and challenges, my intentions, are glossed over in the videos so that a small story can be shared-a window into our experiences. 

I find value in sharing these videos, but they lack for me a deeper level of awareness that I wish to share with those that have an interest in listening. 

For this reason I am beginning a blog, as a supplement to my videos. 

I will begin with this past sailing season in Mexico as it was quite eventful. 

Shay and I were excited to have a couple months to sail after working for a few years on Holoholo, our 38' DownEast sailboat. 

It is always an exciting and nerve wracking day when you throw off the lines from the dock and head out alone to sea. 

All the hard work, the dreams and expectations, the concerns about projects left unfinished, all swirling around my mind. What weather will we encounter? Did we remember everything? What if something breaks? Of course something will break! 

I wonder what it will be?

All the nerves and hopes are then shaken out with the sails. The wind catches, the engine is turned off, the boat heels over and we are off! No time for anything other than being present with the boat and the sea, as Holoholo must be attended to as we harness the wind to sail across the Sea of Cortez. 

Time passes, and we settle in to a rhythm of working the boat, listening to the wind, watching the waves, the instruments and adjusting our bodies to a life in motion as we attempt to cross the sea.

We adjust constantly to the motion, the change in wind and sea state, it is a dance between us all to navigate our way safely.

But it is not always poetic. 

It can be hard-on our bodies, our sleep, our stomachs, our confidence. It takes internal strength to be a sailor. To battle your own fears and to do the thing anyway. 

To cross a small sea, to explore despite the dangers, to glean all the wonder and joy from the daring escapade as possible. 

And so we set out in March of 2023 to cross the sea and cruise Baja as our enjoyment sees fit. To finally take the time to play aboard Holoholo, or do nothing at all. Just be with the sea and sky- our playmates in this adventure. 

The sail across to Santispac was a dream of a sail. No need for the engine until the last few hours. We enjoy clear skies and a full moon lighting our way. Other than being very tired we arrive happy the next afternoon and drop anchor in a remote bay.

This accomplishment, the feeling of finally having arrived to the first leg of the dream feels surreal. We did it! 

Holoholo is still afloat, nothing broke, and so we sleep deeply for a long time. 

I spend the next days staring at the sea. It's too cold to swim but I am content to sit against the cockpit and watch the ocean and the pelicans swooping in for fish. I am satisfied in this moment, knowing we accomplished this goal. 

We figured out all that needed figuring in order for us to be sitting here in a bay in Mexico on our boat scheming about where we will go next. 

I feel a rare moment of success, and a humble pride, that we came to this magical moment. We are cruisers. Not just dock rats forever fixing our old boat. 

I can now admit to myself how nerve wracking this has been for me. How my hands shook while griping the boat wheel as I steered us toward the entrance of the channel. 

How I took big, gulping breaths to calm myself when a strange noise in the middle of the night shook my confidence. For a moment I wondered what would happen if we were taking on water. Allowing myself just a couple seconds of "what if" scenarios, but ultimately reminding myself that I know this boat intimately having repaired practically every system with Shay. I must trust that I will figure out a solution to most any issue. 

Trusting myself, this seems to be the theme as of late. 

That I can figure it out, if something broke, if there was an emergency, that I could rise to the challenge. After all, this is what we have been doing since we came to Mexico 6 years ago. Tackling one thing after another, after another, until we are so deep into fixing that we realize that solutions are not talent, they are willingness and creativity. 

"I can do this," I tell myself under my breath. This is my mantra whenever fear tickles at my throat.

Despite the fear and doubt, our tenacity and willingness to adventure wins the day, and here I sit against the cockpit, watching the sea, content within the dream.

I cannot control what lies ahead, or what breaks. So I surrender to the moment, present with the possibilities, loosening the desire for control just a wee bit more. Learning to lean into the unknown. 

Where are we going?

February 2022- Mexico

Stepping into the Unknown

I’ve been thinking a lot about castle walls lately. I know, weird since I am a long way from any such thing. My view out the porthole is more watery than masonry. But the visualization helps me when I think about safety and adventure. More specifically, my perceptions around what is safe.

The walls around the castle keep the occupants safe, or at least that is the purpose for building the wall. Who know if it actually works the way the bricklayers intended? But we have a wall surrounding a castle, protecting the precious inhabitants from marauders and illness, or whatever the perceived intruder may be. 

Everyone behind the walls enjoys a certain freedom from fear and relax into their lives knowing they are protected.

Now I’m realizing, this place inside the walls is not so free after all. This came to me when I was faced with some very challenging behaviors of mine. Patterns I have been living out since childhood and reinforced throughout life; patterns of control that I designed brick by brick to keep me safe. Insulating me from truly feeling, not only the challenging, uncomfortable feelings but the joyous ones as well. 

It wasn't until Shay and I left the safety of a typical lifestyle complete with white picket fence and began to live more in nature that I realized how happier I was being close to the elements and the sunset and dirt and the ocean and the trees. Theres nothing safe about traveling the world as a sailor, or a trailer nomad but these years are the happiest I've been in many decades. By leaving the castle behind I get to enjoy adventure and all that a journey brings to my life. A big part of the journey has been reflection, connection. and expansion into all the things we insulate ourselves from with our jobs and our busy lives. 

The feelings we are taught not to feel or express, is not always fun stuff to look at — it’s humbling, sometimes embarrassing, and for me brings up a lot of shame, guilt and sadness. Oh and fear, lots and lots of fear. How do I attempt to control my life, my wife, my body and health? Where did I learn this behavior and why did I feel I needed this control? Mostly these behaviors came from feeling unsafe. Needing to protect myself from a real, or perceived threat. 

And even though that threat is no longer around, I still respond as if this protection from a marauder is needed. I've programmed myself to respond to fear with contraction.

I recognize that these walls I build around my castle/heart are not serving me any longer. 

The walls that have kept me safe also kept me from experiencing everything outside the castle walls. These walls have also been my prison. 

And as we prepare our sailboat Holoholo to sail the ocean — as we fix all the little things that haven’t been cared for over the last decade, I recognize I am also caring for my soul. I am noticing where I need tending. 

I realize now that I have been protecting myself from What If, Could Happen thoughts and feelings. The walls have been doing their job of insulating myself from everything.

And then a miraculous moment happened.

I was deep in meditation and could visualize the walls around my heart, all the pain of living life reinforcing the stone walls, keeping me safe. I then encouraged the walls to fall. To just let go. To trust. Surrender.

And after a while they did. Slowly, with trepidation, they fell. (I've been working up to this moment for years.)

And instead of scary monster/marauders trampling over the ruins, I felt free.

I could feel the expanse of the land surrounding the castle. I could feel freedom. 

It was truly magical. 

And that’s when I started thinking about castle walls and white picket fences and emotional defenses and other walls that we create in our lives. And how much I protect myself from the unknown. And how very limiting this is, how much I am missing out on when I stay small, and safe. 

So now I am practicing trust; trusting myself and my intuition, my wisdom, my connections, my life. 

Everyday is now an adventure into the expanse. Uncovering myself and the world through new eyes. And as much I appreciate the castle and how it protected me for so long. I think I am getting ready for new horizons, a new way of being in the world.

Instead of surrounding myself with fear, I am surrounding myself with safety and trust. And I don’t need walls for trust. Just an open heart. 

As this old sailboat is made ready to once again explore the watery world, we are working together, Holoholo, Shay and I, to take care of all the little things, to love her back to life, to carry us safely into the unknown, beyond the dock, into the wind and waves... to see what happens when you leave the safety of the shore.

January 2022 - On Holoholo

January, 2022

The Precipice

As the work load is beginning to ease with Holoholo, I've had more time to sit in presence and reflect on all the feelings and thoughts arising as we make the transition from living on land to living on the ocean.

I was speaking with a friend about work, success, and the value we put on this in our society. Which led to a deeper discussion about my own self-worth. 

I love this lifestyle and I want to have my means of making a living resonate with the rest of my life. I wish for there to be cohesion, harmony and passion, the experience I have often living close to nature, also in my work. 

Reflecting on this has brought a few insights that I wanted to share. 

My value as a being in this world is a core wound of mine, I think.

My family’s values, the medical system, societal career and education ideals, all supported and reinforced the idea that I don’t have value. Because I didn’t play their game.

I did not follow the mold. I did not know enough to see this playing out, but I knew it didn’t FEEL right to play by a set of rules that don’t make sense, even as a child.

It hurts my chest.

Who am I if I do not follow what society values? How does an unorthodox lesbian, chronically ill woman who has no ambition for traditional work have value? 

And so.

Everything about me and my old lifestyle screams NO, I don’t want to play in a world that honors death of the soul and body.

I’ve wanted OUT since the beginning.

Since childhood.

So of course I’m not valued by this dying system of shame if I am not productive and compliant.

My heart hurts now.

So what is my value?

Who do I allow to assign this? (!)

Can I allow myself to stand within a new value system of my own making-

the innate knowing I’ve had since childhood that there is a different set of standards than the ones most people currently live within?

That my value is inherent, not earned?

It is precisely who I am, at my core, that is of value.

That my creations, and way of being in the world is all the value I need?

Just breathing.

Is enough.

I am enough.

I always have been.

But now I see the game that I have played, that has been played on me.

I see how I allowed myself to be twisted. 

To view myself through the eyes of production and success, a slave to a world that values doing over being, illness over health, money over compassion, struggle over joy.

I see how my inner knowing was crushed by the pressure of society, work, friends and family pressure to conform.

I see how I have been breaking out of this oppression all my life.

Shattering the status quo by coming out, by taking alternative jobs, being a strong women with a voice, healing myself when all the system could do was create more illness, choosing a life on the road, or in a boat, choosing to quit the rat race, choosing nature, choosing myself over and over again.

And so I stand at a precipice.

(We all do I think.)

Do I, can I, trust my own intuitive sense of what is right? 

Trust that I am and have always been of great value regardless of what I DO?

Trust that together, as we each find our voice, our truth, that we will create a world that our inner child feels loved and valued for the beautiful light that we are?

And so here I am, taking the first step, off the cliff. 

Into a new world

Of my own making.

 Where can you find me now?

Well it's been months and months since my last blog post. Lots has happened, for all of us. 

I've been spending more time posting on social media in spurts then finding the impetus for longer thoughts here.

At this moment, I'm in South Dakota, with my wife, traveling with our trailer, enjoying nature, having deep inner processes and profound spiritual experiences at times. But mostly just being in connecting with the land. 

About the same at my last post in April actually. Same lessons, go within, listen to your heart, but now I would add, dissolve attachment, face what your fear, what triggers you, so your joy and bliss can be felt more. 

And so it goes.  

We travel and learn about ourselves, the world and our relationship to it. 

I have started a YouTube Channel. 

Mostly pretty pictures right now and a some interviews I've had with a friend, but hoping to expand this in the near future. Maybe sharing my journey, my inner journey more.

You can find me here. 

https://youtu.be/sUIHpAHI-AE

Check out the Yellowstone video. It's my favorite. 

Many Blessings, my friends!

 I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

I took the road less travelled by and it made all the difference. 

Only in perspective, have I realized that this journey inward has been about learning to trust my heart; my intuition and my body. To differentiate between being a thinking, processing being, and living from a feeling place of inner wisdom.

As a highly rational, intellectual person for my entire life the idea of allowing feelings, intuition and imagination to be at the forefront has been a radical change. 

Lesson after lesson came my way this past few years, challenging me to move beyond my left brain way of being in the world. Making plans, lists, making the rational choice, thinking everything through, thinking ALL the time. Trying to make sense of life. 

Now I can see how thinking about everything creates separation. Instead of being in a moment and experiencing a feeling, i would start analyzing it, creating story around it, judging it, categorizing it. Anything except just surrendering to the experience! 

Immersed in nature for good chunks of time without distraction allowed me to pay attention to sounds, clouds, the questions that arise inside, feelings, all the fears and worries that circle around in the brain, until they drop away and i am able to finally able to relax into the moment and just be with myself. 

I didn’t consciously know that this was what I was experiencing, a heart opening. But good adventures don’t tell you much about what’s to come. You set you out with a good compass and some reassurance. The rest just happens. 

And so I have been navigating what it means to move through life from a more balanced perspective; a heart centered approach to living. 

I feel like I am moving beyond limitations I have set upon myself. What I should do, who I should be, how I should act. Into a an expanded version without definition, created moment by moment, honoring all parts of myself.

I listen with my body and I honor my feelings. And as a result I am experiencing increased joy, balance and health.

We are bombarded with so many messages from TV, music, family, friends, culture, and politics. Subtly and overtly telling us how we should feel, what we should think. 

In the absence of all that messaging, what arises? What is truth?

What is MY truth? 

This question is especially important during this moment in time. 

This question, the idea of sovereignty, is at the heart of so many philosophies, religions, art, and politics. 

Choice. Freedom. Expression.

Questioning the status quo, the teacher, the priest, the politician, even ourselves. 

And sprung from this ides of divergent paths, I have learned about Consent. I have learned to say, “ I do Not consent.”

Such powerful words. 

Drawing a line in the sand. Standing up and speaking a personal truth. Saying, “NO.”

It can be a spiritual act: setting boundaries that come from internal truth. 

Or as Gandalf (Lord of the Rings), says, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS.” (One of my favorite scenes.) 

Where he sets a physical, spiritual boundary of such power and love that it is deeply felt by all.

THAT is the energy of “I do not consent.” A deep knowing of the heart that bursts forth into voice and action. 

This energy is building now on the planet and can be witnessed across the world. People moving from their hearts and inner knowing and taking action, even if it is not popular opinion. Even when the left brain thinking mind can’t make sense of things. There is wisdom, a body wisdom that emerges if we but only allow some space for this to exist. 

This rising up, resurrection of the spirit of life may be calling some of you. It certainly is for me. 

How do our bodies speak to us? How do we respond? By honoring this wisdom, or by letting our brains take the lead and override?

What if the road less travelled is the path of following our hearts and listening to our bodies? The path of wisdom, life and joy. This is my truth. 

In the Desert You can't Remember Your Name

Living in the desert for months changes a person. My peers might remember the song, “Horse with no name,” by Dewey Bunnell?

“I’ve been through the desert

On a horse with no name

It felt good to be out of the rain

In the desert you can’t remember your name

‘Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain”

Identity falls away when there is no one trying to label you. I could describe ourselves as nomads but I no longer feel the need for modern day attachment to labels by job, economic class, or any other myriad of sub distinctions that culture attempts to place on me.

I have become (for today) she who lives in the desert with the “plants and birds and rocks and things.” (Always wondered what the things were meant to be.)

It’s refreshing to just be, not to be judged or confined by expectations. I am free to be different every day. Today I am a rock hunter, searching for fire agates on the ancient slopes of old volcanos. Yesterday I was water hunter, filling water jugs and taking a weekly shower. Tomorrow I may talk to friends and research our next location. 

As I simplify life to what is necessary (shower is top of the list!), I return again and again to identity and ego. Who am I if I am not my career? If I am not a political affiliation? If I am just living in the desert with a trailer of no name? 

When I see our country work so hard to define a group of people, an ideology, or belief, we can see how this creates division. 

I am made different than you. 

Those with power are attempting to put us at odds. To make us right and wrong, good and bad, us and them. 

Listen closely to the language. Is there guilt or shame? Is there judgement or condemnation? Is there emotional manipulation to have a certain opinion?

Do we really want to engage with one another from this perspective?

I’ve learned that as I drop my ego attachments to being what is expected of me (career, class, where I live, sexual orientation, political affiliation) that I am whatever I choose to be at any moment. I am not constrained by division. I don’t have to box myself into a category of opinion, or belief. I can choose every day to be something different, or I can choose to be undefined. 

I hope we learn to approach one another with appreciation and compassion first and foremost, allowing each other the space to be whoever we choose at the moment. I believe in the basic human goodness of people (not those in power), if we were to label anything, maybe it could be, “Are you kind?” 

“How much do you hold love and peace?”

Then every other label is put into proper perspective. Because first we stand in our hearts toward one another, connecting in our common humanity. But this would require lack of judgement and lack of defensiveness. 

We get to choose how we want this journey to unfold. We have the power to decide what is important and how to relate to one another. What world are we going to create?

 A new year, a new vision, a new beginning. 

It all began around the March equinox. I experienced a spiritual awakening that continues to deepen as we roll into 2021. This was akin to peeling off layers of an onion, only many layers were removed all at once! Layers of denial, suffering, fear, perception fell away and radically changed my way of being in the world. 

It was like being stripped of all my comforts and standing bare in order to see myself and the world in its most naked truth. This challenged my ego and my most core beliefs. It took a few months to find some stability again in my new way of being. However, this stripping down to the essentials allowed me to access more of myself. Joy, peace, sovereignty, even bliss are now accessible in ways I never dreamed possible. It's been a magical process of uncovering, going within, embodiment and surrender.

It was as if a door opened to my spirit that I didn’t know existed. 

There have been so many wonderful new adventures and friendships. My sense of self and my place in the universe has shifted more this year, than any previous decade! 

Turns out I wasn’t the only one who experienced a spiritual leveling up during this time. Hundreds of thousands of souls across the globe had a similar spiritual shift. This global event is called The Great Awakening, and I don’t think it’s coincidence that it is happening at the the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. 

Since the most recent solstice millions more humans have experienced heart-opening, eye-opening clarity and enjoyed greater connection to Source/God/Nature along with insight into the upheavals happening around the world.

It hasn’t all been roses since the virus and political events created a U-turn in my life in spring and summer, but these challenging events actually acted as catalyst. Shay and I ended up on the road with our trailer and I turned away from the media, the stories of fear and turned deep within. Nature became a healing balm and kept me grounded during the external chaos. Traveling and exploring shifted my focus to the present moment and kept me from worry looping. Not having TV and barely internet at times kept me away from the constant barrage of media hype. 

As a result I was able to truly enjoy wherever we happened to be camping. The cactus, mountains, and jack rabbits are much more enjoyable to focus on then CNN! Due to my work I had to keep abreast of events but I was able to do this from a more detached perspective. Plus the balance of work/fun ratio heavily skewed toward enjoyment.

I have learned that I have the power to decide how I will react to external events. And how I react then dictates how I feel, and therefore my experience.

I can choose my reactions. I will have ample opportunity to practice this in the coming days and weeks as the unveiling begins and more and more humans experience awakening.

The events of the next months will be catalysts for everyone to look deeper within, to trust our own intuition and develop discernment and compassion. This is a time to develop unity and trust. This is a spiritual revolution that we have all chosen to be a participant in. As I watch the news today I remind myself that I can choose to participate in any narrative, or choose a reaction that aligns with my vision for the world. Again and again I choose to live in joy.

I am so grateful for our simple life. For the sun which powers our bodies and also provides electric power for our little trailer. For the blue skies, and birds, and the quietness of desert solitude. Thank you Universe, for this magical experience of love and beauty and joy. 

I will embrace it all!

Love to you all.