Where are we going?

February 2022- Mexico

Stepping into the Unknown

I’ve been thinking a lot about castle walls lately. I know, weird since I am a long way from any such thing. My view out the porthole is more watery than masonry. But the visualization helps me when I think about safety and adventure. More specifically, my perceptions around what is safe.

The walls around the castle keep the occupants safe, or at least that is the purpose for building the wall. Who know if it actually works the way the bricklayers intended? But we have a wall surrounding a castle, protecting the precious inhabitants from marauders and illness, or whatever the perceived intruder may be. 

Everyone behind the walls enjoys a certain freedom from fear and relax into their lives knowing they are protected.

Now I’m realizing, this place inside the walls is not so free after all. This came to me when I was faced with some very challenging behaviors of mine. Patterns I have been living out since childhood and reinforced throughout life; patterns of control that I designed brick by brick to keep me safe. Insulating me from truly feeling, not only the challenging, uncomfortable feelings but the joyous ones as well. 

It wasn't until Shay and I left the safety of a typical lifestyle complete with white picket fence and began to live more in nature that I realized how happier I was being close to the elements and the sunset and dirt and the ocean and the trees. Theres nothing safe about traveling the world as a sailor, or a trailer nomad but these years are the happiest I've been in many decades. By leaving the castle behind I get to enjoy adventure and all that a journey brings to my life. A big part of the journey has been reflection, connection. and expansion into all the things we insulate ourselves from with our jobs and our busy lives. 

The feelings we are taught not to feel or express, is not always fun stuff to look at — it’s humbling, sometimes embarrassing, and for me brings up a lot of shame, guilt and sadness. Oh and fear, lots and lots of fear. How do I attempt to control my life, my wife, my body and health? Where did I learn this behavior and why did I feel I needed this control? Mostly these behaviors came from feeling unsafe. Needing to protect myself from a real, or perceived threat. 

And even though that threat is no longer around, I still respond as if this protection from a marauder is needed. I've programmed myself to respond to fear with contraction.

I recognize that these walls I build around my castle/heart are not serving me any longer. 

The walls that have kept me safe also kept me from experiencing everything outside the castle walls. These walls have also been my prison. 

And as we prepare our sailboat Holoholo to sail the ocean — as we fix all the little things that haven’t been cared for over the last decade, I recognize I am also caring for my soul. I am noticing where I need tending. 

I realize now that I have been protecting myself from What If, Could Happen thoughts and feelings. The walls have been doing their job of insulating myself from everything.

And then a miraculous moment happened.

I was deep in meditation and could visualize the walls around my heart, all the pain of living life reinforcing the stone walls, keeping me safe. I then encouraged the walls to fall. To just let go. To trust. Surrender.

And after a while they did. Slowly, with trepidation, they fell. (I've been working up to this moment for years.)

And instead of scary monster/marauders trampling over the ruins, I felt free.

I could feel the expanse of the land surrounding the castle. I could feel freedom. 

It was truly magical. 

And that’s when I started thinking about castle walls and white picket fences and emotional defenses and other walls that we create in our lives. And how much I protect myself from the unknown. And how very limiting this is, how much I am missing out on when I stay small, and safe. 

So now I am practicing trust; trusting myself and my intuition, my wisdom, my connections, my life. 

Everyday is now an adventure into the expanse. Uncovering myself and the world through new eyes. And as much I appreciate the castle and how it protected me for so long. I think I am getting ready for new horizons, a new way of being in the world.

Instead of surrounding myself with fear, I am surrounding myself with safety and trust. And I don’t need walls for trust. Just an open heart. 

As this old sailboat is made ready to once again explore the watery world, we are working together, Holoholo, Shay and I, to take care of all the little things, to love her back to life, to carry us safely into the unknown, beyond the dock, into the wind and waves... to see what happens when you leave the safety of the shore.